Changes

This has been a week full of changes for me. Meredith graduated and went off to Haiti. My faith is not really being tested. I have faith in God and I know that He is in control of everything. My brother in law said something that gave me comfort. He said that if God sent her there, then He will take care of her. Through whatever happens, He has her in the palm of His hand. I know that. Isaiah 49:2 says "he kept me safely hidden in the palm of his hand." (CEV). So glad!

We moved her out of her apartment. As I was driving out of the apartment complex for the last time, I couldn't help but be a little sad that my baby girl has grown up. I took a picture of the sign that said Whisper Oaks to put in her scrapbook. She is on to a new chapter and great things!

We also moved everything out of my mom's apartment. This was a whole different set of emotions. Mom is in a nursing home now and she is in the final stage of her life. As we went through all the things that I have known all my life, my emotions took over. I couldn't help but compare the two...Meredith's life is just beginning, a new chapter. My mom's life is coming to an end, the final chapter.

Through all these changes and emotions, I have no doubt that God is with me. When I was taking stuff out to my car, my mom's bible fell out of my hand. It landed on the ground but it fell open to Psalm 23. He did that to remind me that He is with me. He guides me and comforts me through the valley. Praise Him!

Back in the saddle.....

I have basically fallen off the horse for almost a month. I thank the Lord that I haven't gained all the weight back that I lost. TAKS, Meredith's graduation, my mom's condition and college classes have definitely taken their toll on my stress level. I have overeaten...many times. But I have also made good choices. It appears that those are balanced out because I haven't gained. I am determined to get back in the saddle and ride on toward my goal of losing at least 30 pounds. I am about half way there (Praise the Lord!)
One day a week or so ago, my morning devotional had a scripture that I know the Lord was telling me. It was 1Peter 1:13-16. It says, "So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. Don't slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn't know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy." I know God was speaking to me through His precious Word. He is telling me to get back in the saddle, stay on that horse and don't turn around and go back. Ride off into the sunset. The destination will be so much better than I can ever imagine.

Getting off track....

This week was the second of three big TAKS testing weeks. I am the TAKS coordinator for our campus. I have to say it is quite stressful. Getting all the TAKS tests ready for each student and teacher. Making sure each teacher has everything they need. Arranging for all the extra staff we need for testing and monitoring. It's a big job. Another part of it is if there is a problem, I have to take care of it. One teacher let me know of a potential problem. A student in her class realized that he had gotten off track when he was marking his answers. When he realized it, he went back and erased ALL of his answers (he was already finished). He then colored in the bubbles on his answer document correctly. The problem was that after he got back on track and filled in the correct bubbles, there were eraser marks left on his answer document. Lots of them. Where he had erased, there were still shades of gray. This made the answer document unusable.

I struggled this week. I made not-so-good choices with my eating. I was stressed and by the time I got home, I had no willpower at all. When I began thinking about this, God showed me a connection between the unusable answer document and me. The student got off track, erased and started over. Even though he did, there were marks left on his paper. I got off track, erased (repented) and started over but there were marks left on my paper. The marks for me were guilt, condemnation, discouragement, and added weight. Even though I got back on track, I still have the marks that I have to deal with. I felt as though I was unusable now, too. But God showed me that wasn't true. He can use me and He will use me, hopefully to help others see His never-ending love and faithfulness.

I still have some marks left. But God has a really good eraser!

Romans 8:28 - God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

Here I go again.....

Here I go again....around the same mountain, round and round and round. The mountain is, still, food. But you know, the more I think about it, it is more than just the food. I can't seem to get it through my thick head that the scale isn't a measure of victory for me. It isn't about making the food behave (low fat, sugar free, low number of points). Even though the food is "behaving", I am not. I am still overeating, dwelling on it, wanting it, being discouraged....round and round and round. It's a cycle. Weigh in, spend the week consumed with it, anxiously waiting for weigh day, hoping for low numbers, sometimes disappointed,sometimes happy...round and round and round. Yes, I have seen the scale move in the right direction. Yes, I have lost weight. This issue is, for me, a huge mountain that I can't seem to get over. I just keep going round and round and round. Not making progress. Still held captive.

"When we were at Mount Sinai, the Lord our God said to us, ‘You have stayed at this mountain long enough. It is time to break camp and move on." Deut. 1:6-7.

Once again, I am amazed at God and how He speaks to me through His Word. God is telling me that I've struggled with this long enough. He wants me to "break camp and move on". I have never been mountain climbing before. I think I am ready to give it a try.

Food...

As I finish up this week and look forward to the week to come, I am thinking about food. Food has been such an important part of my life. In fact, I have given it way too much importance. Every activity is centered around food. I plan our weekend fun around food, either out to eat or cooking on the grill. Every family get together is centered around food. When I am getting ready for the day, the biggest part is packing my food for the day. Not that there is anything really wrong with that because I do have to eat, but I have given food way too much control. I have given it first place. I have given it the place that God deserves. Exodus 20:3 says "You must not have any other god but Me." Because I let it guide me, comfort me and fill me, I have made it a god in my life or in other words, an idol. God says very plainly that I must not put anything or anyone above Him. I want so much to please Him and so my goal this week is to knock that ole' food off its throne and put my dear Heavenly Father back where He belongs. I know that I will have some victories and some defeats. I also know that my sweet God will be there to celebrate with me and to lift me up when I am down. I so want to obey Him and please Him. He showed me this verse:
Phil. 2:13 "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." My daily prayer for the week is: God, I know you are working in me. Give me the desire and the power to do what pleases You. Your Word says you will and I know that Your Word is true.

Spring Break

Spring Break. Two beautiful words for those of us in education. The long awaited week of rest and relaxation. The week that goes by all too quickly. Here it is, Sunday evening before returning to school tomorrow. As I think back over the week, I am happy to say that I spent a good deal of time with the Lord. I got up each morning and spent time with Him learning about the names of God and what they mean. It is so wonderful getting to know Him better. I have also been thinking about my eating this week. I always seem to have a hard time with making good choices about food when I am at home. I guess it is because I am out of my school routine. I take my breakfast, lunch and snacks with me to school so my choices are limited. When I get home, I struggle. I need to not buy the snacks that I shouldn't eat, like Little Debbie Banana Pudding rolls. They are delish. I only ate 1/2 of one roll. Victory. If snacks like those are not in the house, I obviously won't eat them. Prayer before grocery shopping sounds like a good idea to me. I will have to remember to do that next week. I must remember to pray when I am tempted. Remember to pray, remember to pray, remember to pray. I think that is the key to victory. I am hoping for more victory this week.

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1Thess. 5:16-18 NLT

So this week, I am going to be joyful because of Jesus. I am going to pray, pray, pray for His strength and I am going to be thankful for all He has done for me, is doing for me and will do for me. I want to be joyful, prayerful, and thankful because that is His will for me and there is nowhere else I would rather be than in His will.

The Scale

Monday is weigh-in day for me. I weigh in the nurse's office at school. The scale can bring me such joy and such discouragement. Last week, I thought, I had done pretty good. I had resisted the cupcake and had really stayed on track pretty good. Monday morning arrived. As I was driving to school, feeling pretty sure I would lose at least a pound (I had prayed I would lose 2!). But I was praying and I said to the Lord, "Lord, even if I don't lose any, I will still praise you". So, you guessed it! I didn't lose any (maybe 1/4 of a pound). So here was my test. Was I really going to praise Him like I said? I have to say that it was very hard to do. I sat at my desk and got out my Bible and looked up verses that were praises to God. But my heart wasn't in it. I am sad to say that. All day long, I was disappointed. But I got over it. I stayed on track with my points. I am learning every day to look at the choice that is before me and only that choice. I am looking to God to give me hunger signals and not focus so much on my points (which are great and I love the program that I am on). I was watching Mandisa (the singer) on a webcast about the book I read called Made to Crave (about craving God instead of craving food). She said something so helpful to me. She said that the Lord wasn't asking her about how she was going to lose weight or control her eating a year from now. He was asking her how she was going to do it today. Another reminder to take care of today and not to look so far down the road. God is still calling me to seek Him first and He will take care of the rest.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34

The Cupcake

It has been a challenging week. Lots of things going on. But one of my biggest challenges this week was....a cupcake. A friend brought cupcakes to work on the day of the TAKS test. They were the most beautiful cupcakes I had ever seen. They looked so delicious. Yellow cake with a light, lemony custard in the middle. The frosting was creamy and had large sugar crystals that sparkled. Beautiful! I was offered a cupcake by my sweet friend. Oh, how I wanted that cupcake. I chose not to have one. I did smell the cupcakes in the box. I watched my friend eat hers. But at the end of the day, I chose not to have one. I could have had it but I chose not to. Victory! Someone said to me that I had great willpower and they wish they had as much as I did. As I thought about that, I realized that I have no willpower. I have Godpower! I have the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. I have the power that raised Jesus from the dead living in me! It was that power that helped me overcome the power of the cupcake. Praise Him!

Going off...

You know, it's really hard when you go out of town to stay on track with eating. I went to a women's conference this weekend (which was great!!). I didn't have my regular food. There were lots of snacks. I was out of my regular routine. So it was difficult to resist some of that stuff. But after I got home last night, I sat down at the computer and started logging my points (weight watchers). I didn't do nearly as bad as I had thought. I was certainly thankful for that. Tomorrow is weigh day. I have no idea what to expect. Up, down or the same...whatever. Whatever will be, will be. But looking back over the weekend and being apprehensive about tomorrow's weigh in, I realize that I truly am focused on the wrong thing. I am obsessed with my weight and my food. But it really is about obedience to God and it really is about calling out to Him to help me not eat when I am not hungry. This afternoon when I was feeling weak (being tempted to eat when I wasn't hungry at all), I prayed instead of eating. You know, the temptation passed and I didn't eat. Praise the Lord! It is hard not to look at the whole picture and think I will never be able to keep this up. But I had victory with that one choice. I need to only look at my next choice and know that I can have victory each time. Somehow that makes things not seem so overwhelming.

This week, God showed me in His Word some Scriptures that have to do with food. Isn't it amazing that in His Word, we can find help for any (ANY) problem that we have. The verse for this week is Deut. 8:10 - "When you have eaten your fill, be sure to praise the Lord, your God". I have eaten my fill and I praise God for victory in my choices.

Re-evaluation

There comes a time in every "dieter's" journey that a special occasion comes around and you try to do good with your choices but inevitably don't. If this has happened to you and if you are like me, you feel guilty and filled with regret. This happened to me on Friday and it is now Sunday and I still feel like I haven't been able to get back on track. I feel so guilty and condemned!! So full of hopelessness. Will I ever conquer this? God gently reminded me of Romans 8:1 - There is, therefore, now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. Isn't He sweet? He is so loving and kind. All that hopelessness has been replaced with hope...hope in Jesus. I know that this task is not impossible with Jesus. I am learning to crave God instead of food. I am learning to go to Him instead of going to food when I am stressed, lonely, sad, happy. It is a hard habit to break. But I know my loving Heavenly Father is right there waiting for me to come running!

Changing from the Inside Out

I am on a journey. A journey of change. A journey of changing from the inside out. It is a weight loss journey. It is more than a weight loss journey. I want to shed the extra weight I have put on over the years. It is more than pounds. The extra weight is hard physically but it is also hard spiritually. I want to shed the burden and bondage of being addicted to food. Of going to food instead of going to God. Wanting food to give me comfort and peace when I know that only God can give that to me. I have been on this journey my whole life. I want my life to begin again....today.